"I didn't know," is the phrase I hear so often. It's the excuse that my children have used when they failed to do something: a chore, some homework, a phone call, or some other thing that you are sure has been clearly communicated.
But it hasn't.
I know that kids of many ages have short memories. In fact I believe that their selective hearing and short-term memories rival that of husbands (sorry guys, it is a common stereotype and fits all too often!). But when time after time I hear the "I didn't know" phrase it makes me think that not all of the fault lies with my kids. Maybe I'm not being clear enough. O, I know I've said it to them, but was I clear; I've transmitted, but are they on the same frequency? Communication is key for all people in all circumstances, whether at work, at church, in traffic, at home. Sure, there is a great responsibility on our kids and spouses part to tune in to our broadcast, but even more clear that we are aware of how and what we are communicating.
One part of this communication is walking the walk and talking the talk. (You've heard that said before, but it is true.) If I say one thing but live another I am sending mixed signals to my family. "Do as I say and not as I do" is not a valid teaching. Jesus even said it of the Pharisees and Sadducees. They were guilty of this and what we teach our children when we do this is how to live the same way. They learn what's right from wrong, and how to get away with living the wrong. (yet feel that they have done right by their children.) It is a vicious circle, one that we have to break. Our communication has to be consistent and clear, and one sure way of doing that is what John states in his short letter, "I have a lot more things to tell you, but I'd rather not use paper and ink. I hope to be there soon in person and have a heart-to-heart talk. That will be far more satisfying to both you and me." (2 John 12, The Message)
How often do you have heart-to-heart talks with your family? I mean those old-fashioned table discussions at dinner? Those "turn off the TV, sit at the dining room table with a game, laughing out loud," conversations that help us to really hear one another. Think of the power of that conversation, when the walls between us are broken down and we can all just be ourselves. What does that communicate? The very thing John was trying to say, communicate with a life of love, by what you do and what you say.
Does your family know how you feel about them, by how you've acted, by what you've said? Have you told them today that you appreciate them? That you love them? That you are proud of what they have become, who they are, what they have achieved? Don't assume that you've communicated this simple thing. It may not have been fully transmitted. If you ask them if they know you love them they might respond, "I don't know." So tell them.
Today!
Everyday!
Every chance you get.
It's better that they hear it too much (if that's possible) than not enough. So just tell them.
Love you!
Peace ><>
PC
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Friday, January 20, 2006
Me? A Dad?
I was so excited when I first became a Dad. Although it also scared me to death. It was real, but seemed so surreal. I was only 19, still newly married and a college student and now a Dad. Wow! It was overwhelming. There were times I wondered if I could take care of myself let alone a wife and now a beautiful baby girl. But now she was my responsibility and it was time to step up as an adult.
As the years went by and the family grew, so did the pressures and responsibilities. As I understood it, my job was to care for my family by providing the best I could, as much as I could. So I worked, long hours, six or seven days a week. It wasn't uncommon to leave before anyone else got up and get home after everyone had gone to bed. I provided well enough, but something was missing. It just didn't feel right. There was some disconnect between me and my wife and my children. I finally discovered it, the disconnect, was my time and space, my morality and ethics which had shifted to a very secular business mentality and it carried over to my home life. I was crude and tough. I wasn't being a Dad, rather only their Father. Something had to give.
For a long time in my adult life I failed at many things. One of them was being a Christian. O, I believed. I never stopped believing, but I sure didn't live the life. I was one of those "talk the talkers," but I didn't walk it or show it or claim it. I had become a secular Christian, and it didn't bother me at all until I recognized just how bad I was at being a Dad and husband. So I returned to church with my family, tried my hand at serving along with my wife in youth ministry and discovered something that I was missing, a real relationship with Christ. It was the missing link. Something clicked in my head and in my heart and my life at home took on a whole new dimension.
Hall of Famer and Chicago Bear great, Gale Sayers, wrote a book that I read when I was only 10, but the image and story of this man among men remained with me, had made an impression on me that although had faded, had not gone away completely. He had discovered his place in this life and it was the title of the book, I am Third. "The Lord is first, my friends are second and I am third." That was his credo and it made sense for me. I remembered it from Miss George's third grade classroom where she encouraged me to read challenging books. And this one, so many years later, altered my priorities and my heart. Christ wanted me to reshuffle my priorities and set him first, place my family second (which didn't make sense to me at the time) and put myself third. And it has made all the difference in the world.
"So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, disipline...It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it." (Colossians 3:12, 14, The Message) I'm still not the greatest Dad, but I set Christ before anything else and it made me a better one. I try to wear this wardrobe of love every day and be Christ for my family. It doesn't mean that I am not strict, or undisciplined, but I have become "quick to forgive and even tempered..,wearing love" as much as I can, to be a better Dad, just like my own Dad who taught me well and my Abba, Daddy, God whose Word, Jesus Christ, runs the house.
Peace ><>
PC
As the years went by and the family grew, so did the pressures and responsibilities. As I understood it, my job was to care for my family by providing the best I could, as much as I could. So I worked, long hours, six or seven days a week. It wasn't uncommon to leave before anyone else got up and get home after everyone had gone to bed. I provided well enough, but something was missing. It just didn't feel right. There was some disconnect between me and my wife and my children. I finally discovered it, the disconnect, was my time and space, my morality and ethics which had shifted to a very secular business mentality and it carried over to my home life. I was crude and tough. I wasn't being a Dad, rather only their Father. Something had to give.
For a long time in my adult life I failed at many things. One of them was being a Christian. O, I believed. I never stopped believing, but I sure didn't live the life. I was one of those "talk the talkers," but I didn't walk it or show it or claim it. I had become a secular Christian, and it didn't bother me at all until I recognized just how bad I was at being a Dad and husband. So I returned to church with my family, tried my hand at serving along with my wife in youth ministry and discovered something that I was missing, a real relationship with Christ. It was the missing link. Something clicked in my head and in my heart and my life at home took on a whole new dimension.
Hall of Famer and Chicago Bear great, Gale Sayers, wrote a book that I read when I was only 10, but the image and story of this man among men remained with me, had made an impression on me that although had faded, had not gone away completely. He had discovered his place in this life and it was the title of the book, I am Third. "The Lord is first, my friends are second and I am third." That was his credo and it made sense for me. I remembered it from Miss George's third grade classroom where she encouraged me to read challenging books. And this one, so many years later, altered my priorities and my heart. Christ wanted me to reshuffle my priorities and set him first, place my family second (which didn't make sense to me at the time) and put myself third. And it has made all the difference in the world.
"So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, disipline...It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it." (Colossians 3:12, 14, The Message) I'm still not the greatest Dad, but I set Christ before anything else and it made me a better one. I try to wear this wardrobe of love every day and be Christ for my family. It doesn't mean that I am not strict, or undisciplined, but I have become "quick to forgive and even tempered..,wearing love" as much as I can, to be a better Dad, just like my own Dad who taught me well and my Abba, Daddy, God whose Word, Jesus Christ, runs the house.
Peace ><>
PC
Thursday, January 19, 2006
What does it mean to be a Christian family? What is so different? Is it that they attend church together or they pray together or have daily devotions together? Or do they have to be old-fashioned and pure and uptight all the time. Does it mean that they think they are better than anyone else? Well, there are definitely differences and some of the simple answers for these questions are yes, maybe, not necessarily, no, yes and I sure hope not! Just how are families to be identified as Christian?
What do you characteristics come to mind when you think of Christians? Who are the people that you think embody what it means to be a Christian (even if you don't know if they attend church)? How about people who are though of well in the community, well-respected, honest, accessible, hospitable. Someone who is a good parent, holds the children's respect, active in community and school, not pushy, but helpful, may be well-off, but not stingy, actually generous and gracious. Does this identify a Christian? Does a Christian family look like this? Sure there are variances, but this is pretty close. Actually it is more like an expectation of a Christian family. Read 1 Timothy 3 to see more clearly. It is here that Paul reveals his expectations not only of Christian families, but even further for Christian leaders and pastors.
One of the many things I learned long ago about becoming a pastor was that the expectations for me and my family would be forever changed. I grew up in church and know that the pastor's family is seen and discussed in ways very different from most of the others in church or community. It seems that everyone knows what is going on in the pastors home (sometimes even better than the pastor!). But this is one cross I recognized I'd had to bear and accepted it without reservation. Often I turn to these passages from 1 Timothy 3-4 to remind me of God's expectations for my family. It is good barometer for me so that I can keep away from the Devil's trap.
A Christian family is really supposed to be a more complete revelation of the very presence of Christ and a smaller version of the body of Christ. Love, grace, accountability, servanthood, and the fruit of the Spirit from Galatians 5:22-23, are these important characteristics. Maybe today, or this week is a time to take inventory of our own families' characteristics. How are we doing? Do we have some work to accomplish?
We'll work on this more this weekend in worship.
Peace ><>
PC
What do you characteristics come to mind when you think of Christians? Who are the people that you think embody what it means to be a Christian (even if you don't know if they attend church)? How about people who are though of well in the community, well-respected, honest, accessible, hospitable. Someone who is a good parent, holds the children's respect, active in community and school, not pushy, but helpful, may be well-off, but not stingy, actually generous and gracious. Does this identify a Christian? Does a Christian family look like this? Sure there are variances, but this is pretty close. Actually it is more like an expectation of a Christian family. Read 1 Timothy 3 to see more clearly. It is here that Paul reveals his expectations not only of Christian families, but even further for Christian leaders and pastors.
One of the many things I learned long ago about becoming a pastor was that the expectations for me and my family would be forever changed. I grew up in church and know that the pastor's family is seen and discussed in ways very different from most of the others in church or community. It seems that everyone knows what is going on in the pastors home (sometimes even better than the pastor!). But this is one cross I recognized I'd had to bear and accepted it without reservation. Often I turn to these passages from 1 Timothy 3-4 to remind me of God's expectations for my family. It is good barometer for me so that I can keep away from the Devil's trap.
A Christian family is really supposed to be a more complete revelation of the very presence of Christ and a smaller version of the body of Christ. Love, grace, accountability, servanthood, and the fruit of the Spirit from Galatians 5:22-23, are these important characteristics. Maybe today, or this week is a time to take inventory of our own families' characteristics. How are we doing? Do we have some work to accomplish?
We'll work on this more this weekend in worship.
Peace ><>
PC
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Millstone Encouragement
Over the past week we have looked at some basics for building stronger marriages. Thinking about this relationship as one that must be nourished and worked every day. But there is another set of relationships that for many reasons seem to take precedence over the marital one, the rest of the family. The relationships with our parents, with our children, with grandparents, siblings, neices, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws and out-laws. There are many important relationships that are pulling at our time, our energy, our heart. It's our family, our blood kinfolk and these relationships need nurturing, too. But how to prioritize them is difficult.
My wife and I are from a small town in Central Indiana. Almost all of my family still lives in and around there. Weekly family gatherings were common for both of us. Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays it seemed there was always something we could do with family. Birthday parties, open houses, anniversaries, holidays it seemed that you couldn't turn around without being invited to something else for the extended family. It was wonderful. We loved it. It was our life. We knew what was happening. We knew our cousins intimately. We shared life. There was so much good that happened in those gatherings. Then we moved away.
Not far away, but away. It was just far enough that multiple weekend gatherings were impossible to attend, plus the nature of my work, ministry, would hamper our weekend activities anyway. So we found ourselves on an island in a sense. Our family seemed so small and alone. And we discovered something, we needed each other more than we thought and we grew closer together. We saw our immediate family more completely than ever before and while grew even more respectful and grateful for our extended family that we missed so much, our priority became our immediate family.
The first few verses of Matthew 18 tells a story of the Kingdom of God and how children and the childlike are important parts of it. How it is critical that we treat children as such, unless of course you'd rather have a millstone hung around your neck and tossed into the sea. Our focus has to be on our children and our immediate family, training and teaching them appropriately, making sure that they have every opportunity to succeed, to feel a part, to build self-esteem, to know they are special in God's sight and kingdom. The focus isn't just on them, it is on nurturing them in faith, in right living, in love with others and especially with God.
It's so important to God that we help our children grow in faith. And it has become imporant to me too. Not only because of what I like to call "millstone encouragement," but for the persons of faith my children have and will become. I've discovered their importance and they became a priority for my wife and I and we are willing to do whatever it takes to help them.
We need to focus on our families' need and our families' faith and bring the kingdom home.
Peace ><>
PC
My wife and I are from a small town in Central Indiana. Almost all of my family still lives in and around there. Weekly family gatherings were common for both of us. Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays it seemed there was always something we could do with family. Birthday parties, open houses, anniversaries, holidays it seemed that you couldn't turn around without being invited to something else for the extended family. It was wonderful. We loved it. It was our life. We knew what was happening. We knew our cousins intimately. We shared life. There was so much good that happened in those gatherings. Then we moved away.
Not far away, but away. It was just far enough that multiple weekend gatherings were impossible to attend, plus the nature of my work, ministry, would hamper our weekend activities anyway. So we found ourselves on an island in a sense. Our family seemed so small and alone. And we discovered something, we needed each other more than we thought and we grew closer together. We saw our immediate family more completely than ever before and while grew even more respectful and grateful for our extended family that we missed so much, our priority became our immediate family.
The first few verses of Matthew 18 tells a story of the Kingdom of God and how children and the childlike are important parts of it. How it is critical that we treat children as such, unless of course you'd rather have a millstone hung around your neck and tossed into the sea. Our focus has to be on our children and our immediate family, training and teaching them appropriately, making sure that they have every opportunity to succeed, to feel a part, to build self-esteem, to know they are special in God's sight and kingdom. The focus isn't just on them, it is on nurturing them in faith, in right living, in love with others and especially with God.
It's so important to God that we help our children grow in faith. And it has become imporant to me too. Not only because of what I like to call "millstone encouragement," but for the persons of faith my children have and will become. I've discovered their importance and they became a priority for my wife and I and we are willing to do whatever it takes to help them.
We need to focus on our families' need and our families' faith and bring the kingdom home.
Peace ><>
PC
Purity
"Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband. God draws a firm line against casual and illicit sex." (Hebrews 13:4, The Message)
Why is it that everything has to be sold with sex? They say that sex sells, but I wonder what they're selling. Sometimes the commercials are so filled with sexual inuendo and graphic scenes that it is easy to miss the product. But there is something carnal that appeals to us. We need intimacy and some how those who create images on TV, Commercials and film have appealed to this need in us. And we buy in to it. They count on it.
So what is created is a society that views relationships as discardable, sex as casual and marriage as convenient and temporary. That's not what God had in mind!
Relationships between men and women are meant to be pure. It sounds old fashioned, but it is old-fashioned for a reason, it's right and it works. Purity between marriage partners is critical to living a holy marriage. And the purity isn't kept just by not having an affair, but by guarding the very holiness of marriage. That means guarding hearts, shielding eyes, and focusing exclusively on each other.
How are you guarding your marriage? Your relationship? How are you vowing to keep it pure? I mean really pure? There is nothing more intimate that the marriage relationship and the purer you keep it, the more beautiful it grows. The more you focus on your spouse, with attention and love, the stronger that love grows.
Purify your marriage. Honor your spouse. Recapture the beauty and sacred nature of sexual intimacy between husband and wife that God created it to have. It doesn't only please you, but God, too.
Peace ><>
PC
Why is it that everything has to be sold with sex? They say that sex sells, but I wonder what they're selling. Sometimes the commercials are so filled with sexual inuendo and graphic scenes that it is easy to miss the product. But there is something carnal that appeals to us. We need intimacy and some how those who create images on TV, Commercials and film have appealed to this need in us. And we buy in to it. They count on it.
So what is created is a society that views relationships as discardable, sex as casual and marriage as convenient and temporary. That's not what God had in mind!
Relationships between men and women are meant to be pure. It sounds old fashioned, but it is old-fashioned for a reason, it's right and it works. Purity between marriage partners is critical to living a holy marriage. And the purity isn't kept just by not having an affair, but by guarding the very holiness of marriage. That means guarding hearts, shielding eyes, and focusing exclusively on each other.
How are you guarding your marriage? Your relationship? How are you vowing to keep it pure? I mean really pure? There is nothing more intimate that the marriage relationship and the purer you keep it, the more beautiful it grows. The more you focus on your spouse, with attention and love, the stronger that love grows.
Purify your marriage. Honor your spouse. Recapture the beauty and sacred nature of sexual intimacy between husband and wife that God created it to have. It doesn't only please you, but God, too.
Peace ><>
PC
Monday, January 16, 2006
Out-Doing Service
This is how we've come to understand and experience love: Christ sacrifices his life for us. This is why we ought to live sacrificially for our fello believers and not just be out for ourselves. (1 John 3:16, The Message)
We all have something that someone is expecting us to do, to perform, some duty or chore or responsibility. Husbands and wives have many of these expectations of the other and when these expectations are not met, conflict results. Now I'm not talking WWIII, but little tiffs and disappointments that once piled up can cause division. These expectations may be reasonable or not, miscommunicated or even unknown. I've discovered that it is these communication miscues that cause the most problems.
I don't remember exactly how long ago it was, but I thouht a lot about the idea of service and sacrificial love in my marriage. I wanted to show my wife just how much I loved her and I surely didn't want to continue to disappoint her by not completing the things she was expecting of me. So I started doing the things I thought would help make her life easier. I started doing the things for her that I had expected her to do. I decided to out-do her in service.
It wasn't a contest really, I never told her that this was the plan and that I expected her to serve me accordingly. I simply began helping with the tasks that now she wouldn't have to do. It helped her with her daily routine, gave her some space for herself, some much needed free time in a busy day with little children. It wasn't much. It didn't have to be. It was meant to be thoughtful and loving. It was done without any expectations for reciprocation. It was done for love.
Now this may not sound sacrificial, but in a way it is. It is sacrificing expectations and turning it into service. It is amazing to me how selfish we have gotten as a society. I'm equally as guilty. And a way to overcome this selfishness is to serve someone else. Through the years I don't know how many couples I have counseled and weddings I have performed, but in almost every case, to every couple I have challenged them to this one simple task to show their love and respect of the other, try to out-do one another in service. Make it a game. Make it fun. Work at discovering the deepest needs of your loved one and fill them. Blow expectations out of the water and show true love, sacrificial love.
What would it take to out-do your spouse today? Would it mean little things like making the bed, vacuuming the floor, picking up after the kids? Or would it be taking her out for dinner instead of her making it at home? (or guys, making dinner for her! I know you can cook!) Think. Be creative. Love unconditionally and sacrificially. Out-do and see what happens.
Peace ><>
PC
We all have something that someone is expecting us to do, to perform, some duty or chore or responsibility. Husbands and wives have many of these expectations of the other and when these expectations are not met, conflict results. Now I'm not talking WWIII, but little tiffs and disappointments that once piled up can cause division. These expectations may be reasonable or not, miscommunicated or even unknown. I've discovered that it is these communication miscues that cause the most problems.
I don't remember exactly how long ago it was, but I thouht a lot about the idea of service and sacrificial love in my marriage. I wanted to show my wife just how much I loved her and I surely didn't want to continue to disappoint her by not completing the things she was expecting of me. So I started doing the things I thought would help make her life easier. I started doing the things for her that I had expected her to do. I decided to out-do her in service.
It wasn't a contest really, I never told her that this was the plan and that I expected her to serve me accordingly. I simply began helping with the tasks that now she wouldn't have to do. It helped her with her daily routine, gave her some space for herself, some much needed free time in a busy day with little children. It wasn't much. It didn't have to be. It was meant to be thoughtful and loving. It was done without any expectations for reciprocation. It was done for love.
Now this may not sound sacrificial, but in a way it is. It is sacrificing expectations and turning it into service. It is amazing to me how selfish we have gotten as a society. I'm equally as guilty. And a way to overcome this selfishness is to serve someone else. Through the years I don't know how many couples I have counseled and weddings I have performed, but in almost every case, to every couple I have challenged them to this one simple task to show their love and respect of the other, try to out-do one another in service. Make it a game. Make it fun. Work at discovering the deepest needs of your loved one and fill them. Blow expectations out of the water and show true love, sacrificial love.
What would it take to out-do your spouse today? Would it mean little things like making the bed, vacuuming the floor, picking up after the kids? Or would it be taking her out for dinner instead of her making it at home? (or guys, making dinner for her! I know you can cook!) Think. Be creative. Love unconditionally and sacrificially. Out-do and see what happens.
Peace ><>
PC
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Brand Nu Marriage
How often have you taken a look at the vows you made on your wedding day? Have you ever? If you're like most of us, our vows are not normal reading for us. It's not that we don't care about them or that we want to forget them, but we simply take them for granted. But we took them, said them to our significant other. We made a promise. But do you even know if you are keeping it?
Today's message was a close look at the wedding service and the deep meaning of the marriage covenant. It was a time to remember the vows many of us have made and how rekindling the vows and the remembering the promises we made can mean a brand new marriage for us. Here are some highlights:
Today's message was a close look at the wedding service and the deep meaning of the marriage covenant. It was a time to remember the vows many of us have made and how rekindling the vows and the remembering the promises we made can mean a brand new marriage for us. Here are some highlights:
- Marriage was established by God and men and women were created to be together
- Marriage is a symbol of the sacrificial love of Christ and the kind of love we are to share
- We declare our intent to enter a holy marriage. (Holy is to be set apart; different from the norm or common; holy marriage is different than civil marriage, it is a higher expectation.)
- We declare our intent to love, without condition, not as a feeling, but as a choice.
- We declare our intent to comfort, showing compassion and mercy
- We declare our intent to honor, by knowing our spouses
- We declare our intent to keep, forsaking ALL others.
- Then we Vow all of these and especially to love and cherish until death.
God expects much out of marriage. It is an example, a symbol, of Christ's sacrificial love. And it's up to us to keep that marriage covenant. Look at your vows, say them again to your spouse. And keep your promise, Christ has!
Peace ><>
PC
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